Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Why Should I Care About Myself At All?

Blinding, hidden, secret, non-existent, bad, gross, private, forbidden, desperate, needy, wanting, can't have, turn away and walk away. All of these words are words that I often feel as I have walked through life.

Ever since I found out I was diagnosed with HIV I sensed a need to be secretive about who I was and the disease that I now have to live with. Sure, I did this to myself and don't necessarily have a reason as to why. Maybe it was out of desperation to feel wanted or a need to run from my over-religious life. Perhaps it was a way for me to hurt myself more than I felt others were hurting me even though they didn't realize the pain they were causing me. Maybe I did it to myself knowingly...maybe I was looking for myself...and figured this may give me purpose.

Currently in a relationship, I have come to value myself worth a lot more and realize I am not so crazy. This has given me reason to question my behavior and the behavior of those who were around me during that time. It also gives me answers on how to help others who may have these feelings of uncertainty of who they are and help those around them learn to support them. Each of us is valuable in this world and as we come to realize that things can change in our lives and others. Being gay and religious has its ups and downs...and as one who believes in a greater power...it is important that those who may not have the same sexual beliefs as myself...at least know how to speak to those like me and build them rather than hurting them. Whether you are gay or not - or HIV positive or not - or have Cancer or not - or Diabetic or not. When one is learning of one's sexual orientation or disease it is important that all who surround them take the time to learn what it is and accept them for who they are. The worst thing we can do as human beings is place judgement on anyone...judgement will cause an individual to feel hurt and run in a direction that is harmful to themselves...so I beg of you to reach out and accept all who are around you.

I think the most damage I have done in my life happened due to a lack of acceptance in me...and if those I were closest with couldn't accept me...than why should I care about myself at all.

ACCEPTANCE...is a valuable lesson in this life...many have a difficulty in doing just that...truly accepting other people and their ways of life.

My one hope from this message is that those who read it give value to who they, their brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, cousins and friends are...and pull away the list of words from above...and simply accept all in your lives.


One Who Was Damaged


  1. Reading your blog brought comfort on another sleepless night.
    living with HIV for me equals rejection and can't haves.
    So alone in this secrete place.

  2. Sleepless - I hope we can help - please come back and continue to comment!

  3. Wow! That is a truly beautiful comment there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm having a seriously crap day and I struggle with a major derpessive disorder. Much of what you said I can relate to. You have given me something to think about.
    Kind regards,